It’s FOREIGN the afternoon.
So I’m sitting in the laundry room, minding my own biznazz, watching the Mtv Movie Awards on my laptop (you know, because I need to assess the members of my generation’s cultural perspectives), and this guy, this feckin’ guy, comes in with his laptop and sits directly across from me. Directly across. We’re playing laptop battleship here. I think he’s gonna do his thing and check up on e-mails, maybe also watch the Movie Awards.
He slaps on some headphones and starts talking to his laptop in a funny accent. My best guess is Russian. Anyway, it seems he’s talking to someone via VIDEO CHAT. Awesome. And I’m sure it’s someone in his native land! More awesome. Anyway, this is how I think the conversation is going..
Vlad: Hey baby, I’m in the laundry room.
Katinka: Baby I miss you.
Vlad: I know but I gotta be in America. I’m makin that bread. Resort maintenance aint gonna do itself. They need me.
Katinka: Damn, you are such a strong man.
Vlad: I know, girl. You look nice in your ushanka. It makes your boobies look big.
Katinka: Your headphones look pretty fly.
Vlad: Thanks, they’re RCA.
Katinka: Do you miss me?
Vlad: So much baby. I’m here for you though. Workin’ hard. I’m gonna come back and buy you a diamond ring.
Katinka: Oh, Vladdy! You the shit!
Vlad: You are.
(Other foreigner walks in to laundry room. Signals to Vlad to say “Hello” to Katinka.”
Vlad: Oh, baby, Boris says, “what up, bitch.”
Katinka: That mu-fucka crazy. Tell him I said, “Hey.”
Vlad (to Boris): She says, “Hey.”
The rest gets really complicated. They start talking about communism and swine flu, and then the rise and fall of MC Hammer. You know, Russian stuff.
Anyway. Back to my Awards show. Bruno just put his balls on Eminem’s chin. This is high quality stuff.