L. V.

Heavy Petting

Mon, 27 Sep 2010 17:04:38 -0400

I get it.

Domestic pets never grow larger than you. Children do. You’ll remember siblings or family friends as small and sweet, and then find yourself shocked by their increase in size and angst. Cats and dogs, they stay small enough to lay their head on your lap and sleep. You feel their tiny hearts beating and know that without you, they’re helpless.

I always assumed the pet thing was all about the “cute & cuddly” factor, but it’s more than that. It’s about feeling like a Protector. Feeling large. Feeling that you are a necessary part of another being’s existence.

So, to the crazy cat ladies of the world and the animal hoarders and the kids who always need just one more animal in the house: I get it. Hold on as long as you can.

PTI

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:34:00 -0400

My lit professor interrupted his lecture to step down from his podium to tie his shoe. While taking a seat on the floor of the small stage at which he stands throughout class, he quickly explained himself. “I have to toe my shoe. I don’t think I’ve ever had to tie my shoe while teaching a class.”

One of the girls in the front row, never timid about blurting something out, shouted, “That’s what TAs are for!”

He thought that was really funny. The TA did not.

He then went on to tell a story about when he saw a man’s guitar string break during a performance. The man re-strung the guitar, but never stopped singing. He said it was amazing.

Photo

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:23:03 -0400

Ugly People

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 12:42:57 -0400

I went to go see Funny People last night with my lady.

“Two for Funny People, please.”

Thoroughly enjoyable film. BUT THEN…

A few hours later, while out for drinks with some friends, I pull the ticket stubs out of my pocket. I did not purchase two tickets for Funny People, but rather two tickets for that piece of trash, The Ugly Truth. Mindfuck!

No big deal, right? I got to see the movie I wanted. However, now, the assholes who made The Ugly Truth will now think that they scored at least two more viewers. So, thanks to the box office mistake of the fool at Lively Cinema 10, I may very well have been the reason for the upcoming release of The Uglier Truth, the inevitably terrible sequel!

Maybe the guy in the box office is related to Katherine Heigl and feels bad for that crazy bitch. Whatevz.

Also, I can’t stop thinking about the similarities I noticed between Funny People and the Great Gatsby. Kudos, Judd.

It's FOREIGN the afternoon.

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 13:05:03 -0400

So I’m sitting in the laundry room, minding my own biznazz, watching the Mtv Movie Awards on my laptop (you know, because I need to assess the members of my generation’s cultural perspectives), and this guy, this feckin’ guy, comes in with his laptop and sits directly across from me. Directly across. We’re playing laptop battleship here. I think he’s gonna do his thing and check up on e-mails, maybe also watch the Movie Awards.

He slaps on some headphones and starts talking to his laptop in a funny accent. My best guess is Russian. Anyway, it seems he’s talking to someone via VIDEO CHAT. Awesome. And I’m sure it’s someone in his native land! More awesome. Anyway, this is how I think the conversation is going..

Vlad: Hey baby, I’m in the laundry room.

Katinka: Baby I miss you.

Vlad: I know but I gotta be in America. I’m makin that bread. Resort maintenance aint gonna do itself. They need me.

Katinka: Damn, you are such a strong man.

Vlad: I know, girl. You look nice in your ushanka. It makes your boobies look big.

Katinka: Your headphones look pretty fly.

Vlad: Thanks, they’re RCA.

Katinka: Do you miss me?

Vlad: So much baby. I’m here for you though. Workin’ hard. I’m gonna come back and buy you a diamond ring.

Katinka: Oh, Vladdy! You the shit!

Vlad: You are.

(Other foreigner walks in to laundry room. Signals to Vlad to say “Hello” to Katinka.”

Vlad: Oh, baby, Boris says, “what up, bitch.”

Katinka: That mu-fucka crazy. Tell him I said, “Hey.”

Vlad (to Boris): She says, “Hey.”

The rest gets really complicated. They start talking about communism and swine flu, and then the rise and fall of MC Hammer. You know, Russian stuff.

Anyway. Back to my Awards show. Bruno just put his balls on Eminem’s chin. This is high quality stuff.

Spittin' that nerd game.

Sun, 31 May 2009 21:28:00 -0400

The AV tech guy came up to the front desk my first week of work. He lingered for a while. We had no tech issues we needed adressed. It was just me and the young Brazilian girl who works here behind the desk. His eyes were on the Brazilian. He shook out his long, tech-guy hair, casually rested his elbows on the desk, displayed a few facial tics, and went for it.

He decided the way to her heart was to tell her about Fark.com. Good site, makes fun of news with funny headlines. Still, the front desk Brazilian is not up on her internet sites. Not that kind of gal. But the tech guy persisted. Explained the whole thing to her. “You see there are different levels of labels for headlines, like ‘crazy,’ ‘funny,’ ‘absurd,’ or even ‘asinine.’”

Her awkardly forced smiles and sighs of recognition were followed by strange faces of confusion. I think she thought he was explaining something important, pertaining to the resort. He was just trying to impress her with his knowledge of internet humor sites. Nice try, tech guy. Also, she has a boyfriend.

The Brazilian works in housekeeping now. I see the tech guy come through the lobby all the time. I catch his tics every now and then too. I do not, however, see them cross paths at all. Maybe in a different world, in a different life, it could have worked. Maybe not.

Rough-and-tumble-dry

Mon, 11 May 2009 18:24:48 -0400

Two little kids fighting over a computer in the leasing office of the employee housing for Sandestin Resort. They’re non-white, as they say. Mexican I guess, with no racist/xenophobic undertones. I genuinely think they’re Mexican. They’re wearing their school uniforms: baggy, khaki cargo shorts and gray polos with their school’s emblem on the chest. The way they fight, though, is not how little kids fight. These kids fight with real anger in their eyes. They fight like they’ve seen their daddy fight the same way. They fight like they don’t have anyone to tell them they shouldn’t. 5 o’clock in a laundry room/leasing office for employee housing. The property manager has to tell them its time to go. That makes me wonder how long they’ll be home alone. I see them running up and down the stairs in my building sometimes. They carry big books and I wonder if they actually read them. I wonder if when they do read them, there’s anyone who gives a fuck. I’m sure they have a hardworking mother who, with the last bit of energy she has, every day, kisses them goodnight. I’m sure there father is around. Somewhere. If anyone can punch their brother with so much hatred as a little kid, imagine how much it’ll escalate.

The younger one reminds me of my little brother.

My laundry should be dry soon.

'Ella.

Mon, 11 May 2009 18:12:40 -0400

I think talking to my Dad on the phone today made it rain in Destin.

Thanks for nothing, Pops.

If it’s Austin, we’ll be working here.

Mon, 11 May 2009 12:00:33 -0400

If it’s Austin, we’ll be working here.

Moving and Shaking

Mon, 11 May 2009 11:52:14 -0400

Recent events have led me to doubt my future as a writer. Small stupid events, but still, they have occured. Anyhow. I figure when the certainty for the future is rocked a little, you should fill in the cracks of that foundation with a little cement, which, in this case, I like to call dreams. Big ones. So, maybe I’m not impressed with myself as a writer right now. Not everyone’s a literary master as an undergaduate student. But, I am determined to be a success. A huge success. So, I’m looking up graduate schools at work. Of course, they’re all really, really exclusive and expensive. But I will get in. Right now, it’s looking like either Boston, Austin, or Chicago. So, if all goes according to plan, I’ll be somewhere in the vicinity of those three cities by around this time next year. And the girlfriend will be joining me. Lucky for her, they all have plenty of fancy hotels for her to work for. AND lucky for me, I can work at one of those fancy hotels too, because of my current employment at a fancy resort with the girlfriend. So, we’re pretty much set. Me, a bigtime writer/eventual professor, and her, fancy hotel lady. Dream big, right?

Playwrong.

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 00:05:21 -0400

So, I’m writing a one act play. Not because I want to, but because I have to.

It’s my final paper for my Modern Drama class.

It doesn’t have much scholarly thought behind it. I’m just hoping my humor will get me a good grade.

The little island we can disappear to.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:58:28 -0400

The little island we can disappear to.

Disappearing.

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 18:56:31 -0400

My current act is a tight-rope walk, with no safety net. I have someone who loves me on the other end, arms stretched, waiting for me. Right now I’m practicing a new act. Just to disappear. See, it’s perfect, because I don’t need to keep anyone in suspense, wondering whether or not I’ll make it. I’ll just be gone. Somewhere they don’t have to worry about me. It’s nice too, because anyone who wants to can disappear with me. People have enough to worry about. I shouldn’t bother them with requests. I’m also a part-time actor. I pretend to be someone great, but, so far, it pays shit. I guess you need real talent to pull it off.

Strange Friday...

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 17:39:42 -0400

Just saw a group of men in front of a church re-enacting Good Friday. Complete with a Roman soldier and painted-on bloody lashmarks. Had to stop and take a pic. My only complaint: J.C. Had a bit of a beergut. I should have word with their casting department.

I’ll be sure to post the pic later.

Hwy 319

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 17:09:41 -0400

On the way home from a few hours on St. George island with the girlfriend.

We had a pretty bad fight last night because I’m an asshole. Everything’s resolved, for the most part (because she’s perect, sweet, and forgiving). I still feel like I need to be better for her. I’m not exactly a boyfriend to be proud of these days…

Tonight, we will be attending the MFA thesis show to see our friend’s art. She’s really talented, and I’m very sad she’s moving back to Tennessee once she graduates. I hope that one day she will be a part of my circle of successful, artsy friends.

I listed possible places I may apply to for grad school to the girlfriend today. It just led me to realize that I’m completely undecided. We really have to make the decision soon. Well, i guess I have to. She says she’ll follow me anywhere. I’m the luckiest man alive.

Also, I’m absolutely dying to go to Lollapalooza. Still. This might be the summer I get to go. Probably not. [fingers crossed]

His Treasure

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 21:38:00 -0400

I have about a thousand distractions keeping me from getting anything done right now, so I figured I’d add one more by doing this.

At the girlfriend’s house (as usual) and the roommate is here, watching the Ricky Gervais special we TiVoed for him. He does this thing where he laughs very loudly, then repeats what he’s laughing at while doing so. This bothers me not because of his rather chipmunk-like laugh, which I’ve grown quite accustomed to over the years, but because I feel bad that I’m not laughing. I know that’s why he’s looking at me; he’s expecting to see me laughing right along with him. It’s funny, yes, but I’ve seen it before, as has he. Why is he laughing so fucking hard? I can’t help but wonder if people who are so happy act in such a way by force. Does he honestly find so much joy that he can laugh at the same thing over and over again? I’m happy. I can’t force a laugh though.

Oh shit, now he’s watching Treasurequest. Apparently it’s about a quest for treasure. I’m not interested unless they’re giving me some.

Treasure…

People did not used to hold onto their treasures back in the day. I’ll be sure to keep mine.

Craving this beautiful meal we had over Spring Break, because...

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 02:20:00 -0400

Craving this beautiful meal we had over Spring Break, because I’m thinking of everything but the work I have to do.

Maybe I’ll wake her up and drive her to Georgia. It’s open 24 hours.

She’d be happy to join me, I’m sure.

2 years from today

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 01:58:00 -0400

Tonight she lay her head on my chest, and I asked where we’d be, what we’d be, in two years.

I gave her a second and before she could put her thoughts together I told her.

“Doing this? I hope we’re doing this. Anywhere.”

”No homework though,” she corrected.

“Not for you.” She’ll be working in a fancy hotel. I’ll be in my first year of grad school.

“I’ll be able to come home and relax and do my nails.”

“That’s what I want. I want to watch you do your nails. And I’ll write about it.” And how beautiful she looks. Always.

Love is wanting what you have, forever.

I ask her where we’ll be living.

“I don’t know. We’ll be living together right?”

“Of course!”

“Will we be engaged?”

“You can’t ask that,” I told her.

The answer, I hope, is yes, and she knows that. But we don’t need to spoil the surprise, do we?

Hello and goodnight

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 01:31:00 -0400

First post. Late at night.

She’s asleep next to me. She thinks I’m studying, that I’m going to stay up all night.

…

I’d prefer to cuddle. Goodnight.